Your client left feeling heard today. They didn't leave with anything new.
You're mid-session, nodding, reflecting back what your client just said. And somewhere in the back of your mind, a quiet thought: "I'm not actually helping right now."
You know it while it's happening. Your client is telling you their partner never listens, and you're validating their frustration, and it's technically good therapy. But you can feel it. You're agreeing with someone who needs to hear the thing you're not saying.
I've started calling this idiot validation.
It's when I can see what they're doing that's pushing their partner away, and instead of naming it, I validate how hard it is. Because naming it risks tension, and tension is exactly what I'm tempted to avoid.
Staying quiet when you see the thing isn't empathy, it's dishonesty with a warm face.
The client leaves feeling heard, but they don't leave with anything new. They go home more convinced they're right, and next week they're back on your couch with the same story.
The hardest thing I've had to learn is that sometimes the most caring move is the one that doesn't feel caring in the moment. Sometimes it's saying "I hear you, and I also think you might be doing something here that you can't see yet."
Validation is a tool. It's not the whole job.